Why do I do this to myself

That title pretty much expresses how I feel every time before a performance.

I'm freaking out on the inside, I want to literally run from the room screaming, my stomach is all butterfly-y and all the possible horrible scenarios are running through my brain. "What if I totally forget a spot and can't remember anything and have to just walk off?" "What if I play so bad that I'm in tears by the end?" "What if everyone wonders what I am doing performing because I play so bad?" "What if I totally disgrace my parents and my teacher Sonnet?"

So I have to calm all that stuff down inside me, meanwhile my hands are alternating between sweaty and hot and freezing and stiff, also shaking so bad I'm not sure how I'll play notes. Sometimes my right arm has even gone numb from the elbow down. I don't know how nerves do that, but they do. Not to mention piano players don't get to carry their own personal instrument around wherever they go. I mean, I guess I could if I could afford to employ a truck driver and a couple of movers who could get my piano wherever I wanted to go. But let's be honest, that would be considered a tad extreme on my part. So I always have the worry of, "what if there is something weird about this piano I've never played on and it totally distracts me so I can't focus and I mess up and blaaaahhhh.....!"

Keys played by Sergei Rachmaninoff

I played a little basketball when I was a kid, but that's about it for me as far as sports go. I once participated in a slalom ski race. I got 3rd out of around 50 girls, so I was proud of that. I've taken dozens of tests throughout life, high school, college... but nothing gets to me like piano performances. I've never been nervous for anything like I get nervous for piano. Just ask my parents. They have had to calm me down probably more times than they can count when I was crying, unable to eat, and hating life the week before some major competition or concert.

Last night I had yet another such performance. Now, since I am a little bit older now, I do not feel like my life will be over if something goes wrong in a performance. But I still have to calm myself down. I still have to get rid of the negative thoughts and I still get butterflies. Right before the concert was starting I thought, "why do I do this to myself?" I never know the answer to that question until the performance is over.

You guys, it is one of THE BEST feelings in the world when a concert goes well. Any of you who have competed in sports or other musical instruments, you know the feeling. They are NEVER perfect. But when you can look back and say, "I tried my best and gave it my all," that's why I keep doing this to myself. I don't like playing for audiences. I only voluntarily get up to play for my closest friends and family. I am just shy about playing in general and so it's hard for me to do that. But right in the moment when the lights are on me and people are listening to the music, that's when I love what I'm doing. The nerves go away and I am happy to put my whole heart into this music and hopefully touch someone's heart.

 Last night was especially great because I got to play on a piano that Sergei Rachmaninoff did recordings on back in the 1930s. The same ivory keys that he played on were still there. He is one of the masters, one of the greats in the music world. It sounded beautiful and was so much fun to play. Russel from Salt Lake came to town to finish his work on it and it was beautiful. He did an outstanding job.


In the end, doing something that is difficult or scary is usually worth it. I mean, you might lose a little sleep and or weight along the way, stressing about things and trying to make the right choice. But odds are, you will usually love what you did in the end if you know you did the right thing, no matter how hard. I love playing in concerts in the end. Maybe not before, and sometimes not in the middle. But the end is pretty much the best part and the only part that really matters.


Life is sweet :)


Peace and blessings!